


weekend at tsukki's

by iwaihajim



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, College, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Relationship Advice, Romance, Slow Burn, Texting, he writes an essay about love, tsukki is lowkey dumb as hell, tsukkiyama - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:28:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23521576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwaihajim/pseuds/iwaihajim
Summary: The term “falling in love” is ridiculous, Kei had always thought. Before he fell in love, he had imagined it happening all of a sudden. In movies, and books, the characters just sort of wake up one day and realize that they’re in love.It didn’t happen like that, to Kei. Falling in love with Tadashi was as simple and natural as falling asleep.
Relationships: Minor Bokuto Koutarou/Akaashi Keiji, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 24
Kudos: 281





	weekend at tsukki's

**Author's Note:**

> it’s surprisingly difficult to fit like a decade of pining & slow burn into one weekend.

In his head, Kei made an organized list of what needed to be done. He had several assignments due Monday that he had left until the last minute, including a biology exam, a theology paper, and some dumb assignment about _love_ , of all things. Paleontology and astrophysics double major Kei would much rather write about dinosaurs, which at least never caused him to struggle to put emotions on paper.

He should also swing by the convenience store for a few frozen meals, Kei pondered, making a mental note about it. Even as a second-year university student, he had not yet learned to cook for himself. He was so preoccupied with this hefty to-do list that he almost didn’t hear his name being hollered across campus.

No, not just his name – his _nickname_.

“Tsukki!!”

Kei’s posture visibly stiffened. He could hear the sound of footsteps bounding closer to him, and he steeled his nerves with a deep breath before turning around. “Yamaguchi.”

His childhood best friend stood there, in the middle of campus. If Kei were another man, he might have pinched himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming.

It felt wrong to lead Yamaguchi back to his apartment building. Like two worlds colliding. His university life, so cozy and compact it could probably be packaged in a box, mixing with the world he had shared with his best friend of more than eight years. The latter was tumultuous and could be packed in a box about as easily as a hurricane could.

“This is my place,” Kei told him unnecessarily as the door swung open on his single-bedroom apartment. He was suddenly embarrassed of how messy it was. Since going to university, and with no mom or Yamaguchi to tell him to get his shit together, Kei has pretty much let entropy take over his living space. He tried to discreetly kick some scattered and textbooks and clothes under the bed when Yamaguchi was turned around.

Kei was opening his fridge to try and get something to feed his guest before remembering that he was all out of groceries and was so distracted by Yamaguchi’s sudden appearance that he had forgotten to go to the convenience store. He dug around for some tea bags and a box of chocolates that had been sitting in the pantry since his birthday while Yamaguchi was washing his hands in Kei’s tiny bathroom. He hoped Yamaguchi hadn’t seen his embarrassing collection of bath bombs. The dark blue ones made the bathwater look like the night sky.

“What are you doing back home?” Kei asks, forgoing small talk altogether. Yamaguchi sputters; he had just taken a sip of tea. 

“Well, um, my internship abroad contract was only for a year.” 

Kei furrowed his brow a little. The math didn’t add up, and he said so. “It’s been longer than that. Yamaguchi.”

One year and eight months, if one were counting. Kei pretended he hadn’t been. The days, weeks, months waiting for Yamaguchi’s return _hurt_ , like someone was beating his chest with a mallet. Kei took a deep breath to ease the phantom sting.

“I know.” Yamaguchi raked a hand through his hair. It had gotten longer. “I know, Tsukki, I’m sorry.” He didn’t offer an explanation. Kei wasn’t stupid, but he wasn’t pushy either.

“Where are you staying now?” he asked instead, sensing more than seeing Yamaguchi’s sigh of relief at the change of topic. 

“Um, actually, I was staying back in Miyagi, but I’m transferring to the University of Tokyo. I came this weekend to visit the school.”

Kei could not have been more shocked if he tried. “Miyag- The Univer- you’re transferring _here?_ ”

Yamaguchi nodded, his old shyness seeming to take over. “I’m going to finish up my degree here. Since I was living and working in America for my first year, I’m coming in as a second-year student next year, instead of a third-year like you. I’ll be one of the oldest in my class, but I don’t mind.” 

A second-year student. If Kei continued to live in Tokyo after graduating, he would see Yamaguchi every single day for the next two years at least. He hated how much this appealed to him. Yamaguchi’s sudden reappearance in Kei’s life seemed to have turned his world on an axis, his vision blurring a little at all the information to process. He could still remember how loudly his heart pounded like a bird fluttering in a cage whenever Yamaguchi would so much as smile at him back in high school. Scratch that – his heart felt like a bird bashing itself against the bars of the cage.

Kei forcefully dragged himself out of his thoughts, noticing one flaw in what Yamaguchi was telling him. “What have you been doing for the past eight months, if you weren’t in America?” 

Yamaguchi gave an embarrassed little shrug. “This and that. Working, mostly, and taking night classes. I had a roommate, but it didn’t work out, so I came back here.” Working? Taking night classes? Kei marveled. Those things were more important to Yamaguchi than reconnecting with his best friend?

“You can stay here,” Kei blurted out impulsively. “Um, for the weekend, at least. You won’t have to spend money on a hotel room or anything like that.”

Yamaguchi’s head snapped up so fast, Kei swore he heard something crack. “I wouldn’t want to impose,” he responded, clenching the teacup tighter.

“It’s no problem. I have a futon you can sleep on.”

And with that, the matter was settled. Kei looked away. If he made eye contact with Yamaguchi right now, he was sure he might burst into flames.

___

 _22:32_ **Tsukishima Kei** : Did you know Yamaguchi was back in Japan?

 _22:33_ **Hinata Shouyou** : woah!! tsukishima, we haven’t texted since like

 _22:33_ **Hinata Shouyou** : last year!!!how r u??????????????

 _22:37_ **Tsukishima Kei** : Fine, thank you. Did you know Yamaguchi was back in Japan?

___

Kei sits in front of his laptop, staring at the blank document in front of him. His creative writing professor was…eccentric, to say the least. She had sent them off with a paper to write, with the only parameters being to write about love.

 _Love, which can be categorized by various synapses firing in th_ , Kei started typing.

Delete delete delete.

_Love, which is defined by dictionaries as_

Delete delete delete.

_Falling in love is a ridiculous term. Surely, a neurologist would consider love to be various synapses firing in the brain at rapid speed. Love is a series of physiological reactions – palms sweating, pupils dilating, blood flow to the face, etc. One can see love as clearly and plainly as if it had been written on the lover’s face in black permanent marker._

Kei stood up and stretched, wishing he was working out some physics equations instead. It was easier to lose himself in those, instead of trying to write about feelings, or whatever his professor was expecting.

A glance at his phone told him it was close to two in the morning. Kei sighed. He had always been a bit of a night owl, but he could still feel exhaustion weighing his body down, like an extra dosage of gravity had settled comfortably on his back and eyelids. He couldn’t wander to the kitchen for a snack, though, mainly because he didn’t have any good snacks left, and because Yamaguchi was sleeping on a futon. The apartment’s bedroom was so cramped that the only place it would fit was blocking the door. Kei considered his friend’s sleeping face for a moment. It was peaceful now, his long brown hair splayed around his head like a crown. He looked so different but yet somehow the same as Kei remembered him.

_“You’re a coward, Tsukishima Kei.”_

The words, said in Yamaguchi’s voice, pelted him like hail. Kei shook his head to clear the dark thoughts creeping in like a vignette in a photograph, threatening to overtake him. He wasn’t a coward, he was just realistic, Kei reminded himself. He shut off his laptop and slipped under the covers before he could spiral any further down that particular rabbit hole and was out in an instant.

___

  
As much as Kei prided himself on his self-reliance and independence, having Yamaguchi around, even for the weekend, was doing wonders for his health and wellbeing. He had finished all his work, except the stupid creative writing assignment, by Saturday afternoon, and had even done a brief clean of the apartment while Yamaguchi, armed with Kei’s credit card and a list, went out for groceries. He returned with ingredients other than instant ramen, to Kei’s surprise (“you can’t survive forever on frozen dinners, Tsukki”).

In the meantime, Kei battled his own traitorous heart. He had realized that he was in love with Yamaguchi midway through their second year of high school. Every time they made eye contact, Kei was bombarded with impulsive feelings to get down on one knee and make sure Yamaguchi never ran away from him again.

Kei huffed, turning back to his paper.

_Falling in love is a redundant term. If one is in love, how is one “falling”? In works of fiction, characters are slammed with the realization that they are in love with about as much subtlety as a rocket launcher. Being in love is neither of those things. It is not a rushed descent, neither is it a harsh realization. Once one is in love, that love seems as much of a vital part of survival as breathing or eating. One feels like they might have to tear out their own heart (a physical impossibility, of course, this is purely figurative) and stomp on it, just to make those pesky feelings retire._

Yamaguchi was right. Kei was a coward.

___

 _14:12_ **Tadashi Yamaguchi:** have you ever been to that Italian place across the street? We should go there for dinner! My treat!

 _14:12_ **Tsukishima Kei:** I’ve been there once. It was okay.

Kei hesitated. He had been to that restaurant once, on a date. He thought seeing other people would help him get over Yamaguchi quicker. He was wrong.

 _14:15_ **Tsukishima Kei:** We can go if you want. You’re not paying for me, though.

 _14:16_ **Tadashi Yamaguchi:** :^) :^(

___

Kei smoothed a hand over his olive green sweater, reaching up to adjust his collar. He couldn’t remember the last time he had tried to look nice on purpose. _It’s not a date,_ he reminded himself. _Just two old pals catching up over dinner._ Kei patted his hair, trying to get some of the curls to stay down. It didn’t work.

He finally exited his room, slipping his phone in his pocket but leaving his headphones behind. At the same time, Yamaguchi emerged from the bathroom, where he had been getting ready.

Kei’s breath stuck a little in his chest. Yamaguchi, who had not brought many changes of clothes, was wearing Kei’s favorite dark blue button down that was sprinkled with tiny white stars. He looked…celestial. Yamaguchi did not belong on earth, he belonged amongst the constellations. His brown hair was pulled back into a bun that could rival Azumane-san’s, and even his cheekbones shimmered a little. Was he wearing makeup?

“Um, should we get going, Tsukki?”

Belatedly, Kei realized he had been gaping at Yamaguchi for almost half a minute. His cheeks tinged pink, and he cleared his throat awkwardly, which did not alleviate the fire suddenly burning in his thoracic cavity. _Not a date not a date not a date_ circled around and around in his brain.

“Yes. Yeah, let’s head out.”

The restaurant was certainly much more romantic than Kei had remembered. He was there a little over a year ago, with some boy from his first-year Multivariable Calculus class.

“They changed the menu,” Kei blurted, instantly struggling with the urge not to just hit himself over the head and put him out of his misery. Yamaguchi, from where he had been studying said menu, glanced up. “When’s the last time you were here, Tsukki?” he said in a friendly tone. The candle on the table made his brown eyes sparkle.

_Not a date not a date not a date not a date not a date not a date._

“Sometime last year, with this guy who asked me out.”

A muscle in Yamaguchi’s jaw clenched. “Are you still dating him?”

Kei gave him a look of bewilderment. “What? No, of course not. He was irritating.”

Kei thought he imagined Yamaguchi’s relieved slump of his shoulders as the waiter came to take their orders.

“What about you, Yamaguchi? I’m sure all the girls in America were all over you,” Kei said, fighting to keep the bitter jealousy out of his voice. He wasn’t sure if he succeeded. To his relief, Yamaguchi shook his head. A few strands of hair dislodged themselves and floated endearingly around his face. Kei wanted to tuck them behind Yamaguchi’s ears.

“Nah, I was too busy working. Besides, I had my heart set on someone else,” Yamaguchi replied nonchalantly.

If someone had come up to them, right now, and shot Kei in the stomach, he wasn’t sure it would hurt any less than Yamaguchi’s statement. It hung between them, right in the open. Kei had the sudden urge to somehow stuff the words in his napkin, ball it up, and throw it away, never to be seen again. So, this is why Yamaguchi hadn’t contacted him. He was seeing someone else. Of course.

“I’m sure they’re lovely,” Kei murmured politely, taking a gulp of hot tea. It scalded his throat going down, but he barely felt it.

“They are.” Yamaguchi affixed him with a stare.

“Look, the food,” Kei said, floundering a little. This was bad. He never floundered. Floundering was for…well, flounders. And idiots. Kei was not an idiot.

The food was good. What was even better was Yamaguchi holding his full attention on Kei as Kei rambled about his difficult classes and strange professors. In turn, Yamaguchi told him all about America – about how he went on a roller coaster for the first time, ate a twinkie, and wore makeup.

“Makeup?” So Kei wasn’t hallucinating the shimmer on his face.

Yamaguchi rubbed the back of his neck bashfully. “Yeah, some of the girls that I worked with said that my bone structure and skin were great for makeup, or something. They put a bunch on me, at first – here, I have pictures.” He took out his phone, scrolled for a moment, before showing Kei.

He was breathtaking, even in a low-quality selfie. His eyes were huge with different neutral shades painted on, and his lips were tinted red. “They covered your freckles,” Kei noted almost immediately. That was a shame. Kei used to long to kiss each and every one of those freckles. (Used to? Who was he kidding?)

Yamaguchi laughed shyly. “Yeah, I kinda asked them to. I feel like they make me stand out more. I don’t wear foundation on a daily basis or everything, but sometimes I try to cover them with powder.”

Kei tore his eyes away from the photo. “You shouldn’t. Cover them, I mean. I lo- I mean, everyone loves your freckles.”

_Notadatenotadatenotadatenotadate._

Yamaguchi turned bright red. Kei slurped at his noodles, and the rest of the dinner passed with companionable chatter. They even shared a strawberry shortcake. Kei’s favorite. He didn’t think Yamaguchi would remember.

_NOT. A. DATE._

___

_21:57_ **Tsukishima Kei:** Noya-san, you’ve been on dates before.

 _21:58_ **Nishinoya Yuu:** Tsukki! My favorite kouhai!!!!

 _21:59_ **Tsukishima Kei:** we all know that’s a lie, Noya-san.

 _22:00_ **Nishinoya Yuu:** call me senapi!!! >:(

 _22:05_ **Tsukishima Kei:** …we all know that’s a lie, Nishinoya-senpai.

 _22:05_ **Tsukishima Kei:** you’ve been on dates before, right? Have you ever been on one where you weren’t sure if it was a date or not?

 _22:07_ **Nishinoya Yuu:** oooooooooooo trouble in paradise?

 _22:08_ **Tsukishima Kei:** Nothing like that. I went out to dinner with…a friend. I was not sure what constitutes “date” behavior.

 _22:08_ **Nishinoya Yuu:** did u pull out her chair for her?

Kei thought back. No, he hadn’t, but he had helped Yamaguchi take his coat off. Did that count?

 _22:08_ **Tsukishima Kei:** Does helping them take off their coat count?

 _22:09_ **Nishinoya Yuu:** yah I would say that’s date behavior. Did u flirt? Did u share a dessert? Who paid?

 _22:11_ **Tsukishima Kei:** Don’t think so, yes, split the check.

 _22:11_ **Nishinoya Yuu:** jury’s verdict is……………..

 _22:12_ **Nishinoya Yuu:** it’s a date!!!

 _22:23_ **Tsukishima Kei:** Oh.

Kei had spent the entire evening convincing himself it wasn’t a date. He forced his elation down like he would the hiccups.

___

It was Sunday afternoon. Yamaguchi was going to catch the train tomorrow morning and return home. Kei probably wouldn’t see him until he came to the university next year – four months away. He wanted to spend time with his childhood friend, but he still had to finish his writing assignment on love.

_I have only been in love once, but once was enough. Looking back, I’m sure that I’ve been in love with this person for years. Perhaps the very first time we had met, I knew. Being in love…it’s nothing like the movies. Sometimes I feel like if my heart beat any louder, they would hear it on the other side of the city. Sometimes I can’t remember a time before this person. I couldn’t have been in love my whole life, right? Or, maybe, my life just began when I fell in love with them. Falling in love with this person was as simple and natural as falling asleep. I needed it to survive._

Kei blinked, and the hint of tears stung his eyes. His professor had better appreciate this paper, he had poured more emotion than he thought he had into it. Wiping at his face, Kei stood up, printing out the stupid thing, and wandering into the living room. “Sorry, I had to finish my paper, but we can hang out now,” he told Yamaguchi, genuinely regretting the time that had been wasted that they could have spent together. Yamaguchi, who was playing on his phone, just smiled in his way that meant that no apology was necessary.

They settled next to each other on the couch and Kei loaded up his favorite documentary.

“Oh, hey! I remember we used to watch this one!” Yamaguchi exclaimed, curling closer under the blanket that they were sharing. For once, Kei wasn’t interested in the variety of beetle species that was playing onscreen. 

“You do?”

“Of course! Whenever I would sleep over, you’d make me watch one of three documentary DVDs. I guess this was the only one they put on Netflix.”

“Yeah.” Kei stared at Yamaguchi like he was the documentary.

Oblivious to this, Yamaguchi prattled on. “This one was always my favorite because of the ladybugs.” Kei knew this. He knew that Yamaguchi liked the ladybugs because his freckles matched the spots dotting the insect’s body. He knew that Yamaguchi didn’t like it when it showed violence and other animals being eaten, even if it was just in a documentary. When they were kids, whenever the praying mantis would eat her mate, Yamaguchi would bury his face in Kei’s shoulder as Kei called him a wimp.

This time, Yamaguchi watched the praying mantis montage and only winced a little bit. Kei wished they were kids again. He wished he was still the one Yamaguchi ran to when he was scared.

Kei tried shoving his yearnings into a deep corner of his mind and vowing to never unlock them again. This worked about as well as one would expect, until a sleepy Yamaguchi gave a particularly aggressive snore and tumbled right into Kei’s lap.

For a split second, Kei forgot how to breathe. He was afraid to blink too much in case he disturbed the young man peacefully using Kei’s thighs as a pillow. Just in case this was going to be a regular occurrence, Kei resolved to eat more. He didn’t want to deter Yamaguchi from using him as a pillow just because his thighs were too skinny to be comfortable.

Barely breathing, he shut off the documentary. This might have been the first time in his life he had ended it early. Kei pulled out his phone, sending a harried text to the most emotionally intelligent person he knew.

___

 _20:23_ **Tsukishima Kei:** Hello, Akaashi-san. Are you awake?

 _20:30_ **Akaashi Keiji:** Good evening, Tsukishima. Yes. Is everything alright?

 _20:31_ **Tsukishima Kei:** Everything’s fine, I just had a question I wanted to ask.

 _20:31_ **Akaashi Keiji:**?

 _20:34_ **Tsukishima Kei:** What would you do if Bokuto-san didn’t love you back?

 _20:36_ **Akaashi Keiji:** I would die.

 _20:36_ **Akaashi Keiji:** I’m kidding, obviously. But my life would certainly be very difficult. Why do you ask?

 _20:40_ **Tsukishima Kei:** It’s a long story.

 _20:43_ **Akaashi Keiji:** If you would like a listening ear, or some advice, feel free to call.

___

Kei, very carefully, slid out from where Yamaguchi’s head lay resting on his lap. As much as it pained him, he really did want to call Akaashi-san and get his advice on this. Being in such close proximity to Yamaguchi, even for a weekend, was killing him, and it’s like Yamaguchi was completely unaware of his effect on Kei. Gently, he slid a throw pillow under Yamaguchi’s head and covered him with a blanket before silently padding to his room, closing the door, and hitting call.

“Sorry to disturb you,” Kei said as soon as Akaashi picked up the phone. Even over the phone, he could hear Bokuto’s rumbling snores. “Don’t worry about it, Bokuto-san sleeps like the dead. It would take more than a phone call to wake him up. What did you want to talk about, Tsukishima?”

Kei took a deep breath. He hadn’t shared the story in full to anyone, but he knew that if he could trust one person, it was Akaashi Keiji.

“You know Tadashi Yamaguchi, right?”

“Tall, freckles, brown hair? I’m familiar.”

“...I’ve been in love with him since we were eleven. I didn’t realize it until high school, though…”

_To boil a lobster, one needs to put the lobster first in cold water, then gradually turn up the heat until the lobster is boiled alive. Falling in love with Tadashi was very similar. First, Kei noticed how much he liked Yamaguchi’s freckles. It was always strange to him that Yamaguchi didn’t share the same sentiment. Kei thought about how smart Yamaguchi was, even though he was always overshadowed by Kei. How he was so kind, so generous, even to strangers. Cold, prickly Kei could never be like that, but just being around Yamaguchi, he felt like a better person. It surprised him that Yamaguchi didn’t receive a lot of confessions in high school, because Kei considered him to be attractive. Cute, even. Handsome. Kei was basically a walking dictionary – he could list any sort of words that described how good-looking Yamaguchi was._

_Then, it was the physiological reactions. Kei never minded Yamaguchi napping on him after away matches and practices. When they slept over at each other’s houses, it was normal to fall asleep curled together on some sofa or mattress. When they watched a movie, their sides were always pressed together with popcorn balanced between them. Little things started to make Kei’s heart race, like when Yamaguchi would yell, “Nice kill, Tsukki!” after a particularly difficult block. Or the way Yamaguchi’s mouth looked, flushed red with watermelon-flavored popsicle juice in the summertime._

_After that came the realization._ I am in love with Tadashi Yamaguchi. _At night, Kei sometimes whispered it to himself. Maybe, if he said it out loud, the gods would smile down on him and make sure that Tadashi was in love with_ him, _too._

_In their final year of high school, they had become closer than ever. Kei almost thought Yamaguchi felt the same._

_Until Yamaguchi decided to live in America for a year._

_They didn’t talk for weeks. Kei was crushed, and heartbroken. The night before Yamaguchi was scheduled to leave, Kei snuck into his house. It was late, and quiet, the time of night where anything seems possible. He knew he wouldn’t have this same bravery in the daytime._

_Unfortunately, that bravery abandoned him at Yamaguchi’s window. Kei slid into the room, fully intending to finally tell his best friend how he felt._

_He chickened out, as usual. He backed off, just in case Yamaguchi didn’t feel the same. He could still remember…_

“And then he said, ‘You’re a coward, Tsukishima Kei.’ He had never used my full name before. I wished him a safe journey, and I fled.”

Akaashi, who had been silent the entire time, exhaled slowly. “That’s quite the story, Tsukishima-kun. Why are you thinking about all of this now?”

Kei fidgeted with his fingers, like he always did when he was nervous. He didn’t like feeling this vulnerable. “He came back. Tadashi was in Japan for eight months with radio silence and then suddenly showed up on campus, talking about how he’s transferring here next year. He’s staying at my apartment for the weekend.”

Akaashi mulled this over. “It sounds like he liked you back then, if that’s any consolation.” It wasn’t. Kei omitted this fact. “Maybe you should just tell him how you feel. The university is big, so if he doesn’t feel the same way, you can avoid him if you wish. Honesty is usually the best policy.” With this last statement, Kei could hear a fondness creeping into Akaashi’s voice. He was definitely thinking about his rowdy boyfriend.

“Tsukki? Who are you talking to?”

Kei glanced up to see a drowsy Yamaguchi in the doorway, the blanket still wrapped around him. _Adorable. Shut up, Kei._

“Thank you for your help, Akaashi-san. Goodnight,” Kei said, hanging up, before turning to talk to Yamaguchi. “I needed Akaashi-san’s advice about a…problem I’ve been having.”

Yamaguchi made his way deeper into the room and took a seat on the edge of Kei’s bed. “What kind of a problem?”

Kei looked away. He was sure if he made eye contact with Yamaguchi right now, his emotions from that night bubbling at the surface, his friend would be able to see right through him. “It’s nothing. You should go back to bed; you have an early train tomorrow.” Kei made to stand, but Yamaguchi caught his sleeve.

“Tsukki,” he said, softly, “What is it?”

There was only so long he could avoid those pleading brown eyes, but Kei pulled his mouth into a tight line and shook his head.

“Is this about what happened the night before I left?”

“Nothing happened the night before you left,” Kei said, gruffer than he intended to be.

“…Is it about how we haven’t talked since graduation?”

Kei clenched his hands into fists. “Who says it’s about you?” he muttered, staring down at his lap.

Yamaguchi scooted a little closer. “I’ve never seen you this worked up about anything, except for that night.” Feigning ignorance, Kei stared out the window into the night sky. Here in the city, he couldn’t see the constellations as well as he used to, in the mountains. He missed a view of the stars unobstructed by light pollution.

Yamaguchi carried on stubbornly. “The night before I left, I called you a coward. That wasn’t right. I was a coward, too.”

Finally, this turned Kei’s attention back on him. He noted silently that Yamaguchi didn’t say that he regretted calling Kei a coward. When did Yamaguchi become so mature? “No, you were right,” Kei said finally, “I was a coward. And I still am. This is what I was going to say to you, that night.”

“Tsukki, you don’t have to-“

“No, I do, it’s alright. Please don’t react until I finish.” Kei turned his body to face Yamaguchi head on, trying not to stare at his expressions for too long. Nervously, his gaze dropped into his lap where he fiddled with his fingers.

“Tadashi, I’ve been in love with you for years,” Kei began. “You were th-there for me even when I was an ass,” he held up a hand to stop Yamaguchi’s instinctual protest, “and I know I was an ass. You took care of me and tolerated me when I probably didn’t deserve your friendship. I meant to tell you my feelings before you left for America, but I couldn’t do it. Telling you how I felt right before you left for an entire year felt like putting my forehead right up to the barrel of the gun.” Was it hot in here? Kei was sweating. “I-If you don’t feel the same way, or if you're seeing someone else, I promise not to bother you with this again. You can go home to Miyagi on the train tomorrow morning, and I’ll talk to you when classes start up again for the next year.” Kei dipped his head, afraid of seeing rejection splashed across Tadashi’s freckles.

A sniffle. Kei’s head snapped up. “Tadashi, don’t cry, please, don’t cry,” he pleaded, but when his best friend looked up, he had a beaming smile on his face. Before Kei could react, he was being tackled into a hug, and he hit the pillows behind him with a soft grunt.

“You are so smart, but so _stupid_ sometimes,” Yamaguchi sobbed, burying his head into Kei’s chest. Hesitantly, he wrapped his arms around the young man. 

“I don’t understand,” Kei said helplessly. 

Yamaguchi looked up, wiping at his face with one sleeve. “Kei, I’ve loved you since we were kids. I’ve loved you the minute you stood up to those bullies for me. How could you possibly think otherwise?”

Kei’s gape would have been appropriate on a fish flopping on dry land. “You never- I didn’t- why didn’t you say anything?” For the second time this weekend, he was completely speechless.

Yamaguchi gave him an incredulous look, laughing even as snot bubbled up. It was ridiculous that Kei found that endearing and not disgusting. “Are you serious, Tsukki? I was afraid of you ripping me to shreds.” 

Kei tightened his embrace around Yamaguchi. “I would never even dream of it. Tadashi, you mean the world to me.”

___

With how quickly his life became sucked in a whirlwind, Kei had forgotten completely about the creative writing assignment that he turned in weeks ago. Now that he and Tadashi were officially together (Kei pretended like that simple sentence didn’t give his ice-cold heart a little thrill), they were both preoccupied with looking for an apartment that was big enough for the both of them to live together next year.

Right now though, he was standing at his professor’s desk, his paper in front of him. _Please see me after class_ was written in purple ink at the top (his professor told them all on the first day of class that she didn’t believe in red pens. They were too critical and unforgiving). “Tsukishima-san, this is one of the most beautifully-written papers I have seen all year – nay, in my entire teaching career!” 

Kei was still stuck on the fact that she had said the word “nay” like an eighteenth-century pirate before the rest of the statement sunk in. “Oh. Thank you, sensei.”

She shook her head, grinning. “No need to thank me! Seriously, have you ever considered a career in writing? I know this class was just to fill up an elective, but you should think about it. At the very least, you could submit this to a magazine or some writing contest. Maybe you’ll win some money.”

“Thank you, sensei. I’ll think about submitting it to a literary journal.” Kei bowed, shuffling out of the room. He skimmed through his writing, gaze barely focused on the words swimming on the page.

_Falling in love can mean all sorts of things. When one goes for a swim, one is fully prepared to drown. There are precautions to be taken – avoiding the sharks, putting on floaties, etc. However, one will never know if the water is too deep if one does not at least dip a toe in. Being in love is similar. It can be wild, passionate, all-consuming, like waves whipped by a strong wind. Those same waves are the ones that tug you under, kicking and flailing, until your very last breath. It can be peaceful, and serene, and so beautiful that you may never want to leave that feeling behind._

_You never know until you jump in._

**Author's Note:**

> tbh i dont think we talk enough about tsukki's friendships w other ppl besides yams but like he was buds w/ bokuto, kuroo, and akaashi at the training camp so i like to imagine that akaashi (the only sane one) becomes his therapist. lol
> 
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